Teaching Kids How to Fight Right

Why Do We Need to Teach Kids How to Fight Right?

“Guys! No fighting!” I found myself gritting my teeth, repeating this ad nauseum. One day, it hit me. I want my kids to fight. Before you stop reading, let me explain.

Conflict is unavoidable. A preschooler will fight over who gets the green crayon. An elementary school student will argue over whether they should play dolls or ninjas. Middle schoolers dispute about which superhero is the strongest. High-schoolers and college students need to work together on team projects, navigating different opinions in order to complete their assignment. It’s not much different in the work place. And of course, marriage is both wonderful and hard work. Part of that hard work involves talking through conflicting opinions on how to load the dishwasher properly and whose responsible for taking out the garbage. Some more serious conflicts crop up about finances or parenting decisions. In every stage of life, disagreements are inevitable.

Instructing my children not to fight does not prepare them for the real world. It teaches them that disagreeing is bad. So, is arguing bad? My answer to that question is this: Fighting is bad when it is self-serving; when it doesn’t seek to resolve the conflict. Fighting is good when it serves a purpose; when it ultimately promotes peace.

Fighting is bad when it is self-serving; when it doesn’t seek to resolve the conflict. Fighting is good when it serves a purpose; when it ultimately promotes peace.”

Family Meeting On How to Fight Right

Once this realization hit me, I called for a family meeting. My oldest kids, ages four and six, sat down with me at the table. I said something like this, “I’ve noticed that you two play really well together and have a lot of fun most of the time. Sometimes, you argue and fight with each other. Is that good or bad?”

The two kids simultaneously cried out, “Baaaaaaaad.”

“Well, actually,” I continued, “What I’m about to say is going to shock you. Fighting isn’t bad.”

Surprised looks creased their faces. I knew I had their attention. I went on, “it is normal to disagree but there is a good way to disagree and a bad way to disagree. So today we are going to talk about how to fight right.”

From there, I took a piece of paper and made two columns. One said, “Good fighting” and the other said, “Bad fighting.” We started with bad fighting. “What are some things that happen when you fight badly?”

Answers from both parties poured in rapidly. Examples such as “mean faces,” “name calling” and “hitting each other” quickly made the list. My son even said, “Throwing your sister.” Since he’s never actually done this, it took me by surprise. I stifled my laughter – kids say the darndest things, don’t they? Well, he wasn’t wrong! Throwing people certainly is bad fighting. Interpreting the heart of his example, I added to the column, “throwing things.” We had a good list going, so we transitioned to the other column.

“Great guys, now what are some good ways to fight?” Their little hearts had some fantastic answers. “being kind”, “listening,” and “not screaming” were at the top of the list. And the same boy who suggested not to throw his sister also suggested that is bad to focus on, “Me, me me” all the time and good to think about the other person. I tell ya, these kids may be little but their hearts are big. It was a proud mama moment to hear their answers.

3 Family Rules on How to Fight Right

We had our lists. Now we needed to summarize them into three rules. These would become our family rules on how to fight right. And here’s what we came up with:

Instead of chanting, “No fighting!” I walk them through the family rules by asking them questions, “Did you have a calm voice or did you scream? Did you have a calm body or did you have a mean face? Did you have a calm conversation or did you talk while the other person was talking?” When they realize they didn’t fight right, I ask my final question, “Did you fight right?” The answer is on their faces. I continue, “Let’s have that fight again but this time, let’s do it the right way.”

A Visual Reminder on How to Fight Right

To add a visual reminder for them, I created this poster to help them remember our family rules on fighting right. I hung it up in our toy room for the kids. And ya know what? For all the mom fails I’ve had, this one is a mom – win! One morning when my kids were arguing, my four year old said, “Oh, I know! We should go look at the poster so we remember how to fight right!” And with the pitter patter of their feet, off they went. Without my intervention, the two kids worked through their argument. How empowering is that!?

This poster isn’t magical and neither are these family rules. There will still be sibling rivalry in our house and my kids will face conflict elsewhere in life too. These are tools to help us as Mama Bears come alongside our kids to teach them the skills they need to work through these situations. I hope this helps you as your kids learn how to fight right too.